Mo' money mo' problems!

I want to share two interesting articles about couples sharing money. The original appearing in the NYT and the response appearing on Jezebel.com:

What’s the Best Way for Women to Trick their Husbands into Buying Them Shoes?

"How do modern couples manage their finances - and how does that affect the status of women, their long-term financial security and even their career prospects?" 

That's the opening line of Katrin Bennhold's piece in today's New York Times... about marriage's "unseen bottom line." A worthy, thought-provoking question, right? Unfortunately, Bennhold ...has apparently traveled back a few decades to an era in which women are completely ignorant about their family finances, and pool money with their partners not to foster equality in a mature relationship but so they can "enjoy some unscrutinized spending." Betty Draper, is that you?

Read the complete article on Jezebel.

(I love that line highlighted above.)


The NYT article surveys a small sample of couples (nearly half with a joint spending account) about how they spend money and primarily how the woman spends money compared to her husband.

Some women feel like they need their own personal spending account so to not be scrutinized by their husbands. I can see why she prefers to buy expensive shoes and bags without accountability (woo-hoo), but is the real issue a question of financial responsibility? Why would your husband scrutinize your actions unless you are buying a new pair of Jimmy Choos for the 10th time this year or can't afford the high price item at all? At which point, isn't it beneficial for someone to hold you accountable for your actions? Likewise, if my husband wants to buy a new suit and dress shoes for work (as we coincidentally discussed last night), I expect it to be a justified purchase (especially if the money could be better used for our summer vacation).

In my family, a justified purchase is a) needed such as a winter coat. Or b) wanted yet affordable like a pair of designer sunglasses on sale. And c) it may not cause spousal distress. For example, if my husband goes to Vegas and spends a couple grand for a friend's birthday party in the same month our son is due to be born, this will cause me distress. If I buy the 10th maternity dress that I will only wear for another 4 weeks, this will cause my husband distress. All kidding aside, it's about respect for the other person. 

Another woman in the article reported how she "bills" a portion of her cell phone bill, prenatal massage, and waxing to their joint account (after all, the husband benefits from these things...). But doesn't this penny-counting seem a lot harder than just pooling your income together and making justified purchases when necessary? How do you even prorate a bikini wax?

More than ever, EQUALITY seems to be the issue at hand regarding race, sexuality, and gender, so why are women being so damn difficult when defining what they want? It sounds like we are either screaming for our independence (our own income, our own spending accounts, not to mention reimbursement for all items that may benefit the man) or we are sheep following our shepherd. 

The latter includes women accepting an allowance from their husband with no influence on the family's financial management and those completely in the dark altogether about such things. I can't believe there are women out there who don't know the password to their shared bank account, don't know how much money their husband's make, don't know what their investments are, don't know if they have life insurance, retirement accounts or college savings plans. God forbid, something happens to my husband, who is going to inherent our financial situation if not me? 

To me, EQUALITY in a relationship means mutual respect and opportunities for one another. Financially speaking, being equal does not mean tit for tat and dollar for dollar. It's not about who makes more or who spends more if both parties are striving for a healthy relationship at the end of the day. When you are approaching finances for the good of all members of the family, the end result usually works out pretty well.


What do you think?

My tea party shower in the city

This past weekend, I was joined by friends and family for my baby shower at Lady Mendl’s Tea Salon at the Inn at Irving Place.

As we all know, space is the biggest challenge for New Yorkers. I couldn't host a traditional shower in my apartment due to a max capacity of 4 people. So finding a venue that could accommodate a flock of excitable women "Ooooing and Ahhhing" over baby things became the first priority. With a guest list of approximately 20, it was no easy task to simply make a lunch reservation.

I explored a few different restaurants and tea parlors looking for a venue that could provide a private space and a suitable ambiance for a baby shower including Alice’s Tea Cup and Sprinkles Cupcakes before selecting Lady Mendl’s Tea Salon.

A traditional 5 course English tea service – a first for most of us – in a private salon in a beautiful Victorian inn made for a truly perfect shower!

The Elsie de Wolfe salon was reserved for my guests for 3 hours (so we had plenty of time for chatting, eating, game playing, and opening gifts). I loved the gold walls and Victorian décor and the formal china table settings laid out for us made it very elegant. For city folk and out-of-towners alike, the tea party was a unique occasion for us to dress in our Sunday best and even show off our best interpretation of an English hat or head piece.

The 5 course tea service included:

Champagne Cocktail

Butternut Squash Amuse Bouche (a mini quiche)

Tea Sandwiches:

Smoked Salmon with Dill Cream Cheese on Pumpernickel

Cucumber with Mint Crème Fraiche on Brioche

Classic Egg Salad on Rye

Smoked Turkey & Cranberry on Seven Grain

Scones with Devonshire Clotted Cream & Strawberry Preserves

Cake with Raspberry Coulis

Assorted Cookies & Chocolate Covered Strawberries

And of course, freshly seeped teas throughout.

My lovely hosts (two friends and mother-in-law) personalized the event with games including celebrity baby names quiz, guess how round my belly is, and how many animal crackers in a tea pot. They had a framed ultrasound image of our baby and asked guests to sign the matting (like a guest book). For favors, each guest took home a tea cup and saucer containing candies and customized tea bags printed with my baby’s name and due date. It was the cutest thing ever!

In the end, New York City pleasantly surprised me by offering a totally unique baby shower experience! While defying the mold of a traditional baby shower, I think all my guests agree it was fun to try something totally new!

Mine vs Ours (when mom doesn't work)

I'd like to write a response to this blog post I read the other day, "Cash Poor, How did my husband become my bank?". With all due respect, I have a different opinion to share.

When my husband and I moved in together before we got married, we split our living expenses proportionately based on what we each of us realistically could afford. Meaning I made about 1/3 of his salary, so I paid 1/3 of the rent. Sometimes I paid for dinners out or sometimes he did. I don’t remember living by a rigid financial agreement between us. But it was no secret that he made more money than I did.

When my husband suggested we combine finances, I was actually the hesitant one. Supporting myself financially was something I had done since I moved out of my parents house at the age of 18. In college, I waitressed and worked part-time internships. I paid my rent and even bought my first car. For me, the issue was about independence. I made my own decision because my parents could not control me financially. Likewise, I didn’t want my boyfriend telling me how much I could spend on shoes and controlling my spending habits. Maybe I didn’t want him to know I put my latest shopping spree on a credit card because I only had $5 in my bank account until next payday.  

My husband looked at it differently. He wasn’t trying to control me. He felt combining finances was a step in planning for our future and being financially responsible together. At that point in our relationship, we were talking about making a long term commitment to each other and finances are a huge part of that. It was more than who pays for what.

Not to say the transition didn’t come without questions. For example, why was my spending in the personal hygiene/self maintenance category ten times higher than his? What can I say? Women use hair products and make-up. We get mani/pedis. Yes, it costs THAT much for highlights. News flash - looking this good ain’t free. And why did my husband have to buy lunch every day at work when I packed my lunch. Was that fair?

If one of us wanted to make a large purchase, say $100 or more, we consulted each other. Is it okay to spend $100 this month? Do we have room in the budget? Did he really need new golf clubs? Did I really need Prada sunglasses? If the answer was yes and we could afford it, then we respected each other’s purchases. It may be relevant to note that we are both savvy shoppers in general who prefer the Outlets, Marshall’s and Costco to spending retail prices in designer stores.

Before the critics presume I got the better end of the stick by having access to my husband’s income, you should know that for the next two years, my husband was enrolled full time as a graduate student while I worked full time and freelanced to pay our expenses and to contribute towards a wedding budget. And sure, we took out education loans to cover the rest. I never resented the fact he quit his job and choose to go back to school. It was an investment in our future together.

Now, with the arrival of our first child this summer, I will quit my job to be a stay at home mom (SAHM). I can honestly say that it has never crossed my mind to feel guilty or worthless or ashamed of the fact that I will no longer make paycheck or that I can’t buy things for myself with MY hard earned money.

Maybe it’s because my paycheck has not been MINE for over 5 years now. However nominal, it’s been OURS.

In fact, I don’t think the way we manage our finances will change one bit. We will still both have access to our shared bank accounts, we will both know what bills get paid and when, and we will both manage how much is spent on necessities versus luxuries. My husband will not give me an allowance. We will continue to manage our finances together and not independent of each other.

I have full confidence that my husband (if not any devoted and loving husband for that matter) would be shocked, if not alarmed, to find out his wife and children were in need of necessities such as winter coats or deodorant because the wife was embarrassed to tell him. If the couple realistically can’t afford to live on one salary alone, that is a completely different issue to be addressed.

Now, back to these feelings of guilt and self-worth from the other article, I do believe they are real feelings. But perhaps tied to something else. I think everyone needs to feel like they have something to be proud of but is self worth measured by a paycheck?

To be continued…    

(I would love to hear how other SAHM feel about this issue. Feel free to comment below.)


Updated 4:48pm
Looks like this is a popular topic today! Other interesting reads:

• "I Put Out in Bed When I Need Money From My Wife"
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Not my mom's maternity clothes

As a young pregnant woman in New York, I still want to look good... for me, for my husband, and for everyone else who's ever speculated as to what is going on with my mid-region. I don't want to look or feel any bigger than I already am. That rules out any clothes my mom may have worn in the 80s and 90s (sorry mom). But loose baggy clothes just look awful. Why wear a tent? Plus, I want people to think that I'm pregnant, not that I'm hiding a beer belly.

Here are my essentials:

Skinny jeans - Who am I kidding, at 12 weeks there was no way I was buttoning my jeans. During my first trimester, I used belly bands, basically tube tops for your belly to hold your pants up without buttoning them. Then, I bought two pairs of maternity skinny jeans, one from the Gap and one from Old Navy. They both have the belly panel that comes up to your boobs. They are super comfy and keep their skinny shape. Just because I have a growing belly, doesn’t mean I want a baggy ass too.

Black trousers - aka yoga pants for work. I have one pair of these from Old Navy maternity that I wear a couple times per week at work. They have a loose waist band and still look professional. Considering I’ve worn them so much, they’ve also held up great after multiple washings.

Spring dresses - At the first sign of 60 degree temps, I purchased about five colorful and trendy cotton maternity spring dresses from Old Navy. I think maxi dresses are so cute with a bump. Old Navy has great prices and frequent sales. One time, they were offering 30% off AFTER I had already submitted an order but gave me the discount anyway when I called customer service. Excellent!

Long fitted tops - Kill me if I ever wear a shirt that says ‘bun in the oven’ – seriously, who does that now-a-days? Honestly, I have bought as few tops as possible because during the winter I could easily wear long sweaters and button-up-shirts from pre-pregnancy. Recently, I bought some maternity long ribbed tanks with ruching on the sides to nicely fit the bump. They're great for layering under cardigans or button-up-shirts that you can no longer button. I also love layering tanks or cami’s under normal shirts and they stick out a few extra inches at the bottom for extra coverage. For the first six months, I also wore flowy tops and loose “bubble” dresses that I owned pre-pregnancy.

Leggings - I still wear my normal black leggings. Thank God these are trendy! I purchased 2 great pairs of black leggings with a belly panel from Old Navy but I actually prefer normal leggings now that I’m bigger with a waist band resting under my belly.

Swimwear - There are plenty of cute maternity options out there, one piece or two piece, that don't involve a grandma skirt. For my upcoming babymoon, I purchased a maternity tankini top and a halter bikini top with extra coverage and support to accommodate my growing bust. I'm not afraid to show the belly at this point and luckily I don't have any stretch marks to hide. Otherwise, I've also seen cute cover up dresses and wraps.

While its easy to go into a shopping-frenzy for maternity clothes and baby stuff, my husband's shopping manta has been "do you need it now?". Which I think is a good way to approach maternity clothing. Who knows how fast or how much weight I'll gain throughout my pregnancy, so why buy items too early or items I'll outgrow. Extending the life of my current wardrobe and buying only essential versatile pieces has really paid off. Did I mention I look good too?

My obsession with prenatal yoga

There are a lot of things I can't do now that I'm pregnant (rollerblading and skiing to name a few). So I was thrilled to find a prenatal yoga class that I LOVE! Initially, I had my doubts. I've practiced basic yoga a few times before, but never considered myself a devoted yogi. Mainly, I didn’t want to walk into a class of crunchy granola earth mothers.

I picked Yoga Vida in Union Square because of the great reviews on Yelp.com. The class is 90 minutes every Sunday. From my very first class at 14 weeks, I was hooked. 

First, Cat the instructor is super informed on how pregnancy affects our bodies and she is a certified doula on top of her yoga training. Every pose and stretch in yoga is specifically designed with a pregnant woman’s body in mind. For example, at the beginning of class, we go around and introduce ourselves and share any ailments we’ve been experiencing like lower back pain, leg cramps, the usual. Cat usually responds with a medical explanation as to why we are experience those aches and pains (growing uterus, sacroiliac joint pain, pressure on our sciatic nerve – see don’t I sound smart?!) and which poses will help us stretch or eliminate the discomfort or which poses to modify as to not irritate it.

Second, it’s nice to be in a room of my peers. I don’t just feel like the whining pregnant lady, I feel like one of many whining pregnant ladies. It’s also comforting to know other preggies are experiencing the same symptoms as me. Plus, I’m making pregnant friends which will come in handy when we are all new moms around the same time.

Third, there is an element of mediation and relaxation involved. At the beginning and end of each class, we have about 5 minutes of total quiet and relaxation where we clear our minds and just be still. Throughout class, we are instructed to think about our babies and how each pose affects their position too. I leave yoga feeling so relaxed and happy (until I hear the honking taxi’s on the street outside).

Fourth, Cat explains how many of the positions can be brought into labor to help move the baby into the right spot to advance labor. The breathing can be applied to labor too. Not like crazy “hee hee hooo” Lamaze breathing, just conscious equal parts inhale and exhale to try to stay focused on the present moment instead of screaming and stressing out.

After 12 weeks of attendance, I recognize the regulars now. It’s fun to see how all of our bodies are growing  and when someone doesn’t make it to class in late pregnancy, I wonder if she had her baby. One day, that will be me and I’ll have to remember to email Cat to tell her my zen baby has arrived.

They never told me about a rash

This could be worse than labor, (I'll let you know in 3 months)! I discovered a red, bumpy, itchy rash on the back of my legs. The next morning, it had spread to my butt cheeks as well. I promptly bought some Cortizone 10 that didn't really help relieve the itch at all. This was so weird! I turned to Google, searching "pregnancy rash". Ugh, to my horror, this was an actual thing "chronic hives-like rash" that happens to 1 out of 200 women during pregnancy, 70% of them expecting boys (did I mention I'm having a boy)! It's abbreviated PUPPP. You can wikipedia it.

By evening of day 2, I was slathering A+D ointment on top of Cortizone 10 followed by sitting on a nice cold ice pack. It was intolerable to say the least! This routine continued every 2 hours through the night, in the attempt of getting some relief. In the morning, I went to a neighborhood urgent care clinic. The doctor diagnosed it as a contact allergic reaction (but to what? it's winter, and my white legs haven't seen the light of day in months). I mentioned PUPPP and after she Googled it herself, she said "well you learn something new everyday". Knowing the only cure for the PUPPP rash is labor, I broke down sobbing in tears on the street. I was only 23 weeks, how could I wait that long!?

Do I have to tell you that the $10 ounce size tube of prescription topical steroid cream did nothing? Not to mention, I could have emptied the entire little tube on one ass cheek! I had to take matters into my own hands! I turned back to the world wide web... Babycenter.com had an extensive message board thread on this topic. I could literally see the tears on the screen as hundreds of women asked each other for cures and shared their attempts at remedying the rash from hell.

After tallying the most common solutions, I bought "Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap" and all natural aloe vera gelly from a health store. After lathering with this brown bar of soap from the 1800's, I had temporary relief. The aloe cooled the hot surface of the rash. I still was sitting on ice, finding solstice in being numb in general. Thank goodness it was the weekend, so I could treat the rash every few hours, shower every 5 hours, refresh my ice pack, and air out my tush in the comfort of my own home.

Drying the rash out helped way more than any moisture cream or lotion. I also took Benadyrl to help me sleep at night (I prayed I made it at least 4 hours at a time). Although I emailed my "pregnancy council" of 10 girlfriends, none of them had experienced any kind of rash. =(

On day 6, I had a flare up! Why!? It had been going so well! I think this was honestly stress induced (from work)! My trusted home remedies weren't providing any relief and I stayed home from work the next day. I tried Sarna cream, poison ivy cream, diaper rash cream, and Aveno oatmeal bath in my fight to battle the itch. Willing to try ANYTHING, I searched for "home remedies" or "holistic rash treatments" online. I found convincing testimonials on Earth Clinic by people swearing by Apple Cider Vinegar, Coconut Oil, and Aloe Vera to treat any rash, eczema or acne. At this point, I would have asked my husband to pee on me, if it would have helped!

After showering with Grandpa's Soap, I applied pure Apple Cider Vinegar to the rash. It burned a little from me scratching, but about an hour later, I felt okay. I slept through the night and the next morning, the rash was 50% better! I could not believe it! I continued using ACV in the morning and evening after bathing with the soap. It's been 2 weeks and my rash is completely cured! It's still hasn't completely disappeared, but it is not raised, inflamed, red or itchy. I later read the ingredients in Grandpa's Soap included Coconut Oil - what are the odds!?

This could have been the worst experience of my pregnancy life (I hope nothing is worse than this anyway)! But I have some pretty strong take-aways... A) All natural/organic foods/remedies did wonders that medicine could not do. B) I will approach my son's future diaper rash with a new educated perspective. I like to try an all natural cream versus medicated. My friend loves Emily's Skin Soothers (I'm looking forward to trying it on my dog's itchy feet too). C) I'm avoiding all medicated creams or even body lotions with fragrance for the rest of my pregnancy. D) I'm washing all my clothes, sheets, and towels with baby detergent Dreft for the rest of my pregnancy. E) When my son is born, I will cherish the sleepless nights WITHOUT pain, at least I will not be trying to scratch my ass off!

We all know pregnancy does crazy ass shit to your body, so whether it was PUPPP or a legitimate contact allergic reaction, I'm not sure. (My OBGYN doesn't seem to think it was PUPPP). If my skin wants to be just as sensitive as my emotions, I will treat it with care.

*Thank you also to my own Grandma who recommend vinegar as an old all-natural rash treatment and my mother-in-law who suggested aloe vera worked on her niece's diaper rash that was untreatable by medicated products.