Mine vs Ours (when mom doesn't work)

I'd like to write a response to this blog post I read the other day, "Cash Poor, How did my husband become my bank?". With all due respect, I have a different opinion to share.

When my husband and I moved in together before we got married, we split our living expenses proportionately based on what we each of us realistically could afford. Meaning I made about 1/3 of his salary, so I paid 1/3 of the rent. Sometimes I paid for dinners out or sometimes he did. I don’t remember living by a rigid financial agreement between us. But it was no secret that he made more money than I did.

When my husband suggested we combine finances, I was actually the hesitant one. Supporting myself financially was something I had done since I moved out of my parents house at the age of 18. In college, I waitressed and worked part-time internships. I paid my rent and even bought my first car. For me, the issue was about independence. I made my own decision because my parents could not control me financially. Likewise, I didn’t want my boyfriend telling me how much I could spend on shoes and controlling my spending habits. Maybe I didn’t want him to know I put my latest shopping spree on a credit card because I only had $5 in my bank account until next payday.  

My husband looked at it differently. He wasn’t trying to control me. He felt combining finances was a step in planning for our future and being financially responsible together. At that point in our relationship, we were talking about making a long term commitment to each other and finances are a huge part of that. It was more than who pays for what.

Not to say the transition didn’t come without questions. For example, why was my spending in the personal hygiene/self maintenance category ten times higher than his? What can I say? Women use hair products and make-up. We get mani/pedis. Yes, it costs THAT much for highlights. News flash - looking this good ain’t free. And why did my husband have to buy lunch every day at work when I packed my lunch. Was that fair?

If one of us wanted to make a large purchase, say $100 or more, we consulted each other. Is it okay to spend $100 this month? Do we have room in the budget? Did he really need new golf clubs? Did I really need Prada sunglasses? If the answer was yes and we could afford it, then we respected each other’s purchases. It may be relevant to note that we are both savvy shoppers in general who prefer the Outlets, Marshall’s and Costco to spending retail prices in designer stores.

Before the critics presume I got the better end of the stick by having access to my husband’s income, you should know that for the next two years, my husband was enrolled full time as a graduate student while I worked full time and freelanced to pay our expenses and to contribute towards a wedding budget. And sure, we took out education loans to cover the rest. I never resented the fact he quit his job and choose to go back to school. It was an investment in our future together.

Now, with the arrival of our first child this summer, I will quit my job to be a stay at home mom (SAHM). I can honestly say that it has never crossed my mind to feel guilty or worthless or ashamed of the fact that I will no longer make paycheck or that I can’t buy things for myself with MY hard earned money.

Maybe it’s because my paycheck has not been MINE for over 5 years now. However nominal, it’s been OURS.

In fact, I don’t think the way we manage our finances will change one bit. We will still both have access to our shared bank accounts, we will both know what bills get paid and when, and we will both manage how much is spent on necessities versus luxuries. My husband will not give me an allowance. We will continue to manage our finances together and not independent of each other.

I have full confidence that my husband (if not any devoted and loving husband for that matter) would be shocked, if not alarmed, to find out his wife and children were in need of necessities such as winter coats or deodorant because the wife was embarrassed to tell him. If the couple realistically can’t afford to live on one salary alone, that is a completely different issue to be addressed.

Now, back to these feelings of guilt and self-worth from the other article, I do believe they are real feelings. But perhaps tied to something else. I think everyone needs to feel like they have something to be proud of but is self worth measured by a paycheck?

To be continued…    

(I would love to hear how other SAHM feel about this issue. Feel free to comment below.)


Updated 4:48pm
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