Mo' money mo' problems!

I want to share two interesting articles about couples sharing money. The original appearing in the NYT and the response appearing on Jezebel.com:

What’s the Best Way for Women to Trick their Husbands into Buying Them Shoes?

"How do modern couples manage their finances - and how does that affect the status of women, their long-term financial security and even their career prospects?" 

That's the opening line of Katrin Bennhold's piece in today's New York Times... about marriage's "unseen bottom line." A worthy, thought-provoking question, right? Unfortunately, Bennhold ...has apparently traveled back a few decades to an era in which women are completely ignorant about their family finances, and pool money with their partners not to foster equality in a mature relationship but so they can "enjoy some unscrutinized spending." Betty Draper, is that you?

Read the complete article on Jezebel.

(I love that line highlighted above.)


The NYT article surveys a small sample of couples (nearly half with a joint spending account) about how they spend money and primarily how the woman spends money compared to her husband.

Some women feel like they need their own personal spending account so to not be scrutinized by their husbands. I can see why she prefers to buy expensive shoes and bags without accountability (woo-hoo), but is the real issue a question of financial responsibility? Why would your husband scrutinize your actions unless you are buying a new pair of Jimmy Choos for the 10th time this year or can't afford the high price item at all? At which point, isn't it beneficial for someone to hold you accountable for your actions? Likewise, if my husband wants to buy a new suit and dress shoes for work (as we coincidentally discussed last night), I expect it to be a justified purchase (especially if the money could be better used for our summer vacation).

In my family, a justified purchase is a) needed such as a winter coat. Or b) wanted yet affordable like a pair of designer sunglasses on sale. And c) it may not cause spousal distress. For example, if my husband goes to Vegas and spends a couple grand for a friend's birthday party in the same month our son is due to be born, this will cause me distress. If I buy the 10th maternity dress that I will only wear for another 4 weeks, this will cause my husband distress. All kidding aside, it's about respect for the other person. 

Another woman in the article reported how she "bills" a portion of her cell phone bill, prenatal massage, and waxing to their joint account (after all, the husband benefits from these things...). But doesn't this penny-counting seem a lot harder than just pooling your income together and making justified purchases when necessary? How do you even prorate a bikini wax?

More than ever, EQUALITY seems to be the issue at hand regarding race, sexuality, and gender, so why are women being so damn difficult when defining what they want? It sounds like we are either screaming for our independence (our own income, our own spending accounts, not to mention reimbursement for all items that may benefit the man) or we are sheep following our shepherd. 

The latter includes women accepting an allowance from their husband with no influence on the family's financial management and those completely in the dark altogether about such things. I can't believe there are women out there who don't know the password to their shared bank account, don't know how much money their husband's make, don't know what their investments are, don't know if they have life insurance, retirement accounts or college savings plans. God forbid, something happens to my husband, who is going to inherent our financial situation if not me? 

To me, EQUALITY in a relationship means mutual respect and opportunities for one another. Financially speaking, being equal does not mean tit for tat and dollar for dollar. It's not about who makes more or who spends more if both parties are striving for a healthy relationship at the end of the day. When you are approaching finances for the good of all members of the family, the end result usually works out pretty well.


What do you think?

Mine vs Ours (when mom doesn't work)

I'd like to write a response to this blog post I read the other day, "Cash Poor, How did my husband become my bank?". With all due respect, I have a different opinion to share.

When my husband and I moved in together before we got married, we split our living expenses proportionately based on what we each of us realistically could afford. Meaning I made about 1/3 of his salary, so I paid 1/3 of the rent. Sometimes I paid for dinners out or sometimes he did. I don’t remember living by a rigid financial agreement between us. But it was no secret that he made more money than I did.

When my husband suggested we combine finances, I was actually the hesitant one. Supporting myself financially was something I had done since I moved out of my parents house at the age of 18. In college, I waitressed and worked part-time internships. I paid my rent and even bought my first car. For me, the issue was about independence. I made my own decision because my parents could not control me financially. Likewise, I didn’t want my boyfriend telling me how much I could spend on shoes and controlling my spending habits. Maybe I didn’t want him to know I put my latest shopping spree on a credit card because I only had $5 in my bank account until next payday.  

My husband looked at it differently. He wasn’t trying to control me. He felt combining finances was a step in planning for our future and being financially responsible together. At that point in our relationship, we were talking about making a long term commitment to each other and finances are a huge part of that. It was more than who pays for what.

Not to say the transition didn’t come without questions. For example, why was my spending in the personal hygiene/self maintenance category ten times higher than his? What can I say? Women use hair products and make-up. We get mani/pedis. Yes, it costs THAT much for highlights. News flash - looking this good ain’t free. And why did my husband have to buy lunch every day at work when I packed my lunch. Was that fair?

If one of us wanted to make a large purchase, say $100 or more, we consulted each other. Is it okay to spend $100 this month? Do we have room in the budget? Did he really need new golf clubs? Did I really need Prada sunglasses? If the answer was yes and we could afford it, then we respected each other’s purchases. It may be relevant to note that we are both savvy shoppers in general who prefer the Outlets, Marshall’s and Costco to spending retail prices in designer stores.

Before the critics presume I got the better end of the stick by having access to my husband’s income, you should know that for the next two years, my husband was enrolled full time as a graduate student while I worked full time and freelanced to pay our expenses and to contribute towards a wedding budget. And sure, we took out education loans to cover the rest. I never resented the fact he quit his job and choose to go back to school. It was an investment in our future together.

Now, with the arrival of our first child this summer, I will quit my job to be a stay at home mom (SAHM). I can honestly say that it has never crossed my mind to feel guilty or worthless or ashamed of the fact that I will no longer make paycheck or that I can’t buy things for myself with MY hard earned money.

Maybe it’s because my paycheck has not been MINE for over 5 years now. However nominal, it’s been OURS.

In fact, I don’t think the way we manage our finances will change one bit. We will still both have access to our shared bank accounts, we will both know what bills get paid and when, and we will both manage how much is spent on necessities versus luxuries. My husband will not give me an allowance. We will continue to manage our finances together and not independent of each other.

I have full confidence that my husband (if not any devoted and loving husband for that matter) would be shocked, if not alarmed, to find out his wife and children were in need of necessities such as winter coats or deodorant because the wife was embarrassed to tell him. If the couple realistically can’t afford to live on one salary alone, that is a completely different issue to be addressed.

Now, back to these feelings of guilt and self-worth from the other article, I do believe they are real feelings. But perhaps tied to something else. I think everyone needs to feel like they have something to be proud of but is self worth measured by a paycheck?

To be continued…    

(I would love to hear how other SAHM feel about this issue. Feel free to comment below.)


Updated 4:48pm
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