Mine vs Ours (when mom doesn't work)

I'd like to write a response to this blog post I read the other day, "Cash Poor, How did my husband become my bank?". With all due respect, I have a different opinion to share.

When my husband and I moved in together before we got married, we split our living expenses proportionately based on what we each of us realistically could afford. Meaning I made about 1/3 of his salary, so I paid 1/3 of the rent. Sometimes I paid for dinners out or sometimes he did. I don’t remember living by a rigid financial agreement between us. But it was no secret that he made more money than I did.

When my husband suggested we combine finances, I was actually the hesitant one. Supporting myself financially was something I had done since I moved out of my parents house at the age of 18. In college, I waitressed and worked part-time internships. I paid my rent and even bought my first car. For me, the issue was about independence. I made my own decision because my parents could not control me financially. Likewise, I didn’t want my boyfriend telling me how much I could spend on shoes and controlling my spending habits. Maybe I didn’t want him to know I put my latest shopping spree on a credit card because I only had $5 in my bank account until next payday.  

My husband looked at it differently. He wasn’t trying to control me. He felt combining finances was a step in planning for our future and being financially responsible together. At that point in our relationship, we were talking about making a long term commitment to each other and finances are a huge part of that. It was more than who pays for what.

Not to say the transition didn’t come without questions. For example, why was my spending in the personal hygiene/self maintenance category ten times higher than his? What can I say? Women use hair products and make-up. We get mani/pedis. Yes, it costs THAT much for highlights. News flash - looking this good ain’t free. And why did my husband have to buy lunch every day at work when I packed my lunch. Was that fair?

If one of us wanted to make a large purchase, say $100 or more, we consulted each other. Is it okay to spend $100 this month? Do we have room in the budget? Did he really need new golf clubs? Did I really need Prada sunglasses? If the answer was yes and we could afford it, then we respected each other’s purchases. It may be relevant to note that we are both savvy shoppers in general who prefer the Outlets, Marshall’s and Costco to spending retail prices in designer stores.

Before the critics presume I got the better end of the stick by having access to my husband’s income, you should know that for the next two years, my husband was enrolled full time as a graduate student while I worked full time and freelanced to pay our expenses and to contribute towards a wedding budget. And sure, we took out education loans to cover the rest. I never resented the fact he quit his job and choose to go back to school. It was an investment in our future together.

Now, with the arrival of our first child this summer, I will quit my job to be a stay at home mom (SAHM). I can honestly say that it has never crossed my mind to feel guilty or worthless or ashamed of the fact that I will no longer make paycheck or that I can’t buy things for myself with MY hard earned money.

Maybe it’s because my paycheck has not been MINE for over 5 years now. However nominal, it’s been OURS.

In fact, I don’t think the way we manage our finances will change one bit. We will still both have access to our shared bank accounts, we will both know what bills get paid and when, and we will both manage how much is spent on necessities versus luxuries. My husband will not give me an allowance. We will continue to manage our finances together and not independent of each other.

I have full confidence that my husband (if not any devoted and loving husband for that matter) would be shocked, if not alarmed, to find out his wife and children were in need of necessities such as winter coats or deodorant because the wife was embarrassed to tell him. If the couple realistically can’t afford to live on one salary alone, that is a completely different issue to be addressed.

Now, back to these feelings of guilt and self-worth from the other article, I do believe they are real feelings. But perhaps tied to something else. I think everyone needs to feel like they have something to be proud of but is self worth measured by a paycheck?

To be continued…    

(I would love to hear how other SAHM feel about this issue. Feel free to comment below.)


Updated 4:48pm
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Sun, sand, and sea. Ahhhh... This is the life!

I was lucky enough to go on a baby-moon or “last getaway” before the baby arrives. My husband and I spent the last 5 days in Aruba: relaxing on the beach, sipping sweet drinks, and eating delicious food (“one happy island” as they say).

I did my fare share of research on how to prepare for the beach while pregnant. The biggest thing I heard from my yoga buddies was to drink A LOT of water to stay hydrated. Naturally, my Doctor also said to stay out of the sun because skin is more sensitive during pregnancy.

I packed my plastic water bottle, 50 SPF, aloe, sunglasses, and hat in hopes of protecting myself from the sun while not avoiding the sun all together. This is a beach vacation after all, I’m expecting to come home with a tan.

The only real challenge I faced was finding adequate swim attire. (This should be a whole other blog post really. TBA.) The challenge of finding a fashionable yet supportive swim suit was a bitch. I won’t even mention the distress my husband endured trying to balance the numerous purchases, exchanges, and returns in our checking account.

We stayed at the Westin Resort on Palm Beach where all the high rise resorts are located (the RIU, Radisson, Hyatt, Occidental, Marriot, Holiday Inn, the whole gang was there). It really is the best and most popular location because everything you could need was within walking distance. You could walk along the beach in front of the resorts for about 2 miles and find a ton of tiki bars, restaurants, and water sport rentals. Or walk on the street side of the resorts for about 2 miles and find a slew of touristy shops and restaurants, even a Hooters and Senior Frogs.

I think it’s important to note how our baby-moon differed from a typical pre-pregnancy vacation:

Early to bed, early to rise: We woke up naturally around 7am every day. What the heck? This is vacation! Maybe going to bed around 9pm and not being hung-over had something to do with it. Well I won’t complain about more day light hours. Plus we had to reserve our palabra by 8am.

Shade vs Sun: Beach time was spent under a beach palabra (umbrella) versus coated in oil and baking in the sun. Unavoidably, I did spend some time in the sun, and despite the SPF 50, I left Aruba with mild sun poison on my belly and hands to prove it.

R&R: Our daily itinerary centered around doing nothing. We didn’t schedule a jeep tour, horseback riding, jet-skiing, tennis, or golf. It may sound like a snooze-fest to adventure tourists, but perfect for preggers like me. My husband actually read a complete novel for the first time in a year. I laid on the beach, swam in the pool, did yoga, got a massage, walked on the beach, napped, and practiced my photography. We signed up for a 3 hour snorkeling trip on a catamaran, but sadly, the waves were too rough and they cancelled the tour. Safety first!

Drinking: I had my doubts about virgin cocktails (what’s the point, right?). Well, those lime daiquiris and Oreo mudslides really hit the spot when I was fighting to stay cool. And they were half the price of alcoholic drinks, cha-ching! Another great thing about Aruba is they have the second largest water treatment facility in the world (I swear I read that somewhere), so I had unlimited refills of tap water and ice versus paying for bottled water, cha-ching!

Nightlife: Or lack of in our case. Nothing shouted my name more than a nightly rerun of ‘Law and Order: SVU’. We steered clear of the casinos and dance clubs. Honestly, Aruba isn’t a terribly happening place at night anyway. It’s not Cancun, and I don’t even remember seeing spring breakers. Our fellow beach goers were mostly families and couples. And call me prude, but the resort’s nightly Magic & Comedy Show did not lure me in.

Besides having a great vacation, I’m so happy my husband and I scheduled time for just us. It was our first vacation with just the two of us in over a year. Although baby was ever present (in the form of kicking my ribs), we were on our own schedule without worrying about anyone other than each other.

We also realized how lucky we are to have a really low key pregnancy without sickness or complications (besides the rash factor), and considering our “fast-paced” lifestyle in NYC, being pregnant hasn’t slowed me down THAT much (knock on wood).

Now, let the next (and last) 10 weeks of baby showers, birthing classes, and Doctors appointments begin!